I know I haven't been very active on this forum in a long, long time. While I do tend to browse it every day I never really feel I have much to say these days. So making this post makes me feel kinda silly in a way cuz' I don't want one of the few posts I make to be a rant, but I just felt I really needed to vent and maybe get some pointers.
I'll try to make this long story as short as possible (alltho that might be hard) and for anyone who has the time and energy to get through it and maybe give me some advice I will be extremely greatfull
So where do I begin?
Last year in April I got a kidneystone, and since I've never had it or even know much about it I honestly thought I was dying since I were in so much pain. However, while the kidneystone passed after a trip to the hospital and just playing the waitinggame for about 24 hours it did manage to trigger a serious Panic Disorder which I've now been suffering from ever since.
I haven't been able to work since last April and while I was trying to find a new job anyway before this happend, I still want to be able to provide for myself and feel I can stand on my own two legs. Something I definitly haven't been able to due to the Panic Disorder. For a long time I couldn't even leave the house and was dependant on my boyfriend and mother to help me with everything.
I am on medication for that tho, I see my doctor on a regular basis about it and I also see a hypnotherapist about it. All those things do help to some extent, but I'm still not even close to living a life as a normal 25 yearold.
To make matters worse, me and my boyfriend got to take over my mums old flat in February last year for two reasons - 1. She wanted to do something nice for us and give us a very good start in life and 2. She had met a guy she decided to move in with. At this point I've already spent a fair bit on renovating it and I was really enjoying it. It also gave me something to focus on which helped against the Panic Disorder.
However things haven't been very well between me and my boyfriend lately and we are now very close to splitting up.
Reason why... Well. Both me and my boyfriend have been World Of Warcraft players for a long time. We began playing it shortly after we met 5 years ago and haven played it ever since. We've also made alot of friends on that game and a short while ago we decided to have one of them over for a visit. While I thought we were all just having fun apperently my boyfriend became more and more jealous for (the reason he gave me: I actually seemd to be genuinly happy for the first time in a long time and he didnt like that it was someone else who made me laugh at their jokes). I had no idea my boyfriend felt this way and I would never have dreamd of doing anything to hurt him or make him feel left outside. Quite the oposite, both me and our friend always tried to talk to my BF, ask him what he wanted to do etc. but he never wanted to do anything.
And so, one day a few weeks ago he said he wanted to talk to me and told me he was leaving me because he couldn't take it anymore. Needless to say I was seriously chocked by this, and ever since it's been horrible.
Our friend went back to England and my boyfriend and I felt we should try to work things out at least. And so does my mum. She's been interfearing non-stop since that day, desperatly trying to keep us together, trying to force me and him to go out and do things even tho she knows I still have a problem going outside due to my Panic Disorder, and she keep telling me how disapointed she is in me for what I've done. That she gave me her home and this is how I repay her, by inviting people over who destroy me and my boyfriends relationship. I've tried to explain to her that that's not really the case, but mums seem to love their little guilttrip tricks.
As if that wasn't enough, my boyfriend and I (who never had a single argument about anything in these 5 years we've been together) have been arguing non-stop since that day he told me he was leaving me. And I'm starting to realize I don't have the same feelings for him as I used to. One reason is because he's changed lately. He's always been the sweetest, nicest guy you can ever imagen, willing to do absolutely anything for me. Now he's cold and distant and sometimes downright condesending when he talks to me.
Now we spend most days talking about if it might be better if we go our seperate ways. While I feel it's probably the right thing to do since I no longer feel for him what I used to it's still hard to go through with. I do still care about him but as a friend and I don't really want to kick him out. I'll also have serious issues with paying the bills since I barely have any income and I can't work due to this Panic Disorder. This is no reason to stay in a relationship tho, I'm well aware of this.
AND, as if that wasn't enough the guy who came to visit later on told me he had feelings for me. And I must admit I did really enjoy his company while he was here and he has been a very good friend for a long time. And I must admit I feel terrible and like a horrible person for even considering those sort of feelings while I have it like I do with my boyfriend. I shouldn't at this stage and even tho he's been a good friend I'm not even sure I'd want a serious relationship with him. But, like I said, I shouldn't even consider that right now considering that I'm in a relationship even tho it's very close to end any day now.
And even if I would act upon this in the future when/if me and my boyfriend do break up my mum still sees this guy as the person who destroyed me and my boyfriends relationship even tho that wasn't the case, cuz' at that point when he was here we genuinly were just friends. But since she still apperently owns a part of this flat she does have the right to say who can come here and not. And here I was thinking it was now my flat, my responsibility and my decition with what I do with my life.
I just don't know what to do anymore. What's right or wrong, how I can sort all of this out without hurting people while at the same time doing what feels right for me. A part of me want's to make everyone around me happy which means staying with my boyfriend and try to sort things out with him. But the other part of me honestly feel that that wouldn't make me happy in the long run, that I would just be doing it because it's the "right thing to do". I've sorta been trapped in my house and in my own life for over a year now because of the Panic Disorder and I just feel that I wanna escape from it all. I wanna try everything there is to try in this world, not settle down with what might even be the wrong guy for me at the age of 25.
Like I said, Im just feeling completely lost and like there's no way out of this. I am terribly sorry for this long long rant. I just really needed to get this of my chest. Pointers on what to do will be greatly appriciated as I said.
And I promise, the next time I post it won't be a rant hehe.