- Joined
- Apr 15, 2013
- Messages
- 389
So, as some of you may already know, I've been suffering from depression for a while now. This will basically explain the not-very-brief hiatus I took from the forum. Sorry for the huge block of text, but here it goes:
This year, I entered 10th grade with high aspirations for myself, but unfortunately it isn't working out like I hoped. My depression has really gotten in the way of school and my grades are definitely reflecting this. In my freshman year, I achieved High Honors in every trimester and had almost all A's, but know I'd be lucky to not be failing any classes. It's been hard for me to pay attention in class and keep up with work (partially due to internet issues), and now I've fallen behind in almost all my classes. I've barely passed any math tests I've taken and all of my grades have been going up and down constantly. I feel like I'm ruining my chances of getting into a good art college and having an actual future. I seriously don't know what to do with school at this point, and sometimes I even miss school on purpose just as an escape. I've been missing quite a bit of school either from this or getting sick. I know it's not good, but still.
I also don't really have the best self esteem and this bothers me a lot. I'm not really confident and it's hard for me to work up the courage to talk to new people. Sometimes I don't feel like I have any friends and that no one likes me. I barely have friends in any of my classes and I feel extremely alone and sad, and it makes me feel like a loser. They're also busy often, so I don't really get a chance to see them and I feel really isolated. Also, because of past experiences with bullying, I sometimes have a hard time trusting people. I want to believe in my heart that their convictions are genuine, but then I always turn around and assume that they only pretend to like me as a joke.
Every day I get up and hate looking into the mirror because I detest what I see. I don't feel like I'm a pretty girl at all and as a result, I've lost a lot of motivation to take care of myself. Because of anxiety, my appetite shifts in the way that I'll barely eat one day and then gorge myself the next. The fact that Valentine's Day is coming up depresses me because I've never had a boyfriend or been out on a date, and I'm almost sixteen years old! The boy I've been pining after for two years barely acknowledges my existence and makes no effort to talk to me (I'm too afraid to talk to him), which makes me feel repulsive. I always feel really lonely and it hurts because I want to feel like I have friends and a boyfriend that I can count on for comfort and support. I know people always say that I have plenty of time to find a boyfriend, but the fact that no boy really expresses interest in me makes me feel even uglier than I already do. Sometimes the only real support I find is from my dog, but this makes me feel stupid.
I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I've hit a dead end in life and that it's all over, when most kids my age are excited that their lives are just beginning. I have trouble getting up in the morning and I just want to sleep all day. Lately I've been crying every night until around 1:00 AM, and then I barely get any sleep. I don't want to give up on life, but to be perfectly honest, sometimes I don't even see a point in trying. If someone could give me some advice or support, I would greatly appreciate it.
(Sorry for any mistakes, I used my iPod Touch to type all this)
This year, I entered 10th grade with high aspirations for myself, but unfortunately it isn't working out like I hoped. My depression has really gotten in the way of school and my grades are definitely reflecting this. In my freshman year, I achieved High Honors in every trimester and had almost all A's, but know I'd be lucky to not be failing any classes. It's been hard for me to pay attention in class and keep up with work (partially due to internet issues), and now I've fallen behind in almost all my classes. I've barely passed any math tests I've taken and all of my grades have been going up and down constantly. I feel like I'm ruining my chances of getting into a good art college and having an actual future. I seriously don't know what to do with school at this point, and sometimes I even miss school on purpose just as an escape. I've been missing quite a bit of school either from this or getting sick. I know it's not good, but still.
I also don't really have the best self esteem and this bothers me a lot. I'm not really confident and it's hard for me to work up the courage to talk to new people. Sometimes I don't feel like I have any friends and that no one likes me. I barely have friends in any of my classes and I feel extremely alone and sad, and it makes me feel like a loser. They're also busy often, so I don't really get a chance to see them and I feel really isolated. Also, because of past experiences with bullying, I sometimes have a hard time trusting people. I want to believe in my heart that their convictions are genuine, but then I always turn around and assume that they only pretend to like me as a joke.
Every day I get up and hate looking into the mirror because I detest what I see. I don't feel like I'm a pretty girl at all and as a result, I've lost a lot of motivation to take care of myself. Because of anxiety, my appetite shifts in the way that I'll barely eat one day and then gorge myself the next. The fact that Valentine's Day is coming up depresses me because I've never had a boyfriend or been out on a date, and I'm almost sixteen years old! The boy I've been pining after for two years barely acknowledges my existence and makes no effort to talk to me (I'm too afraid to talk to him), which makes me feel repulsive. I always feel really lonely and it hurts because I want to feel like I have friends and a boyfriend that I can count on for comfort and support. I know people always say that I have plenty of time to find a boyfriend, but the fact that no boy really expresses interest in me makes me feel even uglier than I already do. Sometimes the only real support I find is from my dog, but this makes me feel stupid.
I honestly don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like I've hit a dead end in life and that it's all over, when most kids my age are excited that their lives are just beginning. I have trouble getting up in the morning and I just want to sleep all day. Lately I've been crying every night until around 1:00 AM, and then I barely get any sleep. I don't want to give up on life, but to be perfectly honest, sometimes I don't even see a point in trying. If someone could give me some advice or support, I would greatly appreciate it.
(Sorry for any mistakes, I used my iPod Touch to type all this)